History repeats itself

I am just back from a flying visit to my mother’s place

Although the trip was only for a very short period but it gave me insight into my role as a daughter and also as a mother. And I realized one thing i.e. a mother is a mother whatever her age may be. Whether she is 75 years old or 50 years old or 25 years, the basic traits of a mother never changes.

She is always loving, forgiving, caring, over indulgent, over protective, over anxious and she overlooks and forgets all her physical sicknesses, physical discomforts when she wants to do something for her child. She goes out of her way to give happiness to her child and derives incomparable pleasure in doing petty things for them.

I realized so many things about myself which earlier I used to take for granted .also I got a chance to analyze my past and present and visualize my future

I also saw my mirror image in my mother

This time I tried to put my self in her shoes and then only could I understand her anxieties and her reaction to many situations in the past and also in the present.

In my young days when I was just a daughter I used to get irritated so many times whenever my mother used to advise me on certain issues or correct me. During those days I used to have only one answer,” mummy please let me take my own decisions, I have grown up,. I never for a second gave it a thought that how my mother must have felt when I used to snub her like this

But now when the roles have reversed, now that I have become a mother and I do the same things and when my children reply in the same manner I feel insulted or left out.

Most of the times I forgive the mistakes of my children, I overlook their indifference towards me and I always justify this by saying after all I am a mother , how can I carry any grudge against my own child, how can I be angry with them. But then after meeting my mother or talking to other mothers I have realized that I am not doing any thing great. All mothers are the same. Inspite of me not liking some of her thinking or her beliefs and my telling her so , she forgives me and my insolence. Don’t I do the same with my children?

My behavior towards my children is a reflection of my mother’s behavior towards me.

And of course my children’s behavior is a mirror image of mine towards my mother.

When I pester my children for eating or I want to know little tits bits about their life, at times they get irritated and find my attitude as an intrusion in their privacy. But don’t I feel the same when my mother does the same thing.

It is truly history repeating itself.

I always laugh at my mother when she gets excited over my visit to her and she starts asking me what I would like to eat and she goes out of her way to make my favourite dishes, but then don’t I behave in the same way when Neha comes to India. The pain of parting which I feel for my daughter when she goes ,even my mom must be feeling it when I leave her.

The pampering which my mother or father gave me the is similar to what I shower on my children and most of the time the reaction of my children is the same as that of mine when I was just a child.

There is a saying in Hindi which goes “JAAKI NA PHATI BIWAI VA KYA JAANE PIR PARAYI” ( literal meaning of this saying is till you get pain in the cracks of your heels you will not understand what other person is feeling) till you experience the same pain; you will not realize what the other person is feeling.

Until or unless we put ourselves in the shoes of others we will not realize what he is undergoing.

One can understand the feelings of a mother or a parent one only when he or she becomes one.

Gurur brahmaa gurur vishnuh , gurur devo maheshvarah, gurur saakshaat parabrahma tasmai shree gurave namah.

Gurur brahmaa gurur vishnuh , gurur devo maheshvarah, gurur saakshaat parabrahma tasmai shree gurave namah.
We all know in India teachers have always been treated at par with Brahma, the supreme power and teaching profession has always been considered one of the noblest professions.

The teachers in India are very lucky. They are honoured by their students, twice in a year, one on 5th September (teachers day) and then on Guru Purnima too .

Yesterday a very old student of mine (I used to take tuition once upon a time) stopped me on the road and said, “Teacher belated happy teacher’s day. I m sorry I could not come on that day to wish you.”

I cannot explain the flow of emotions I had at that moment. I had taught her and her younger brother during their primary school days which was about 10 years back. That day and till today both of them never forget to come to my place on 5th September with a teachers day card and a gift..

My brief fling with teaching has given me a special high, an unique satisfaction, a feeling of being worthwhile, which I don’t think any thing else can give me.

I don’t think I was a very good teacher. ( they still remember how I used to punish them for not doing the home work and thinking of that now makes me feel ashamed of myself , how could I be so strict with them) but inspite of this both the brother and sister regularly keep me updated with the progress they are making. And visit me thrice a year for sure, On Id day( with sewaiyan), teacher’s day and on rakhi as the sister always ties rakhi to my son (although they are muslims)

Neha , my daughter still wishes her two favorite teachers from her school days even now.( but I think she forgot this time as till now she hasn’t mentioned any thing about it) she not only wished them from even from Boston but I remember she even wished her NEU professors on this day and explained to them the importance of this day.

One of my husband’s juniors (advocates) used to wish him on Guru Purnima and even after leaving his job she continued wishing him for quite some time but then she suddenly stopped wishing

This year also his rest of the juniors gave him a bouquet and a gift on this day. Probably seeing this he felt very emotional and he also sent a bouquet to his senior under whose guidance he had learnt the basics of his legal practice.

What I am trying to say is that in India Teachers are given high respect and value ,may be because they enlighten us with profound knowledge and power . While parents gave life to our body teachers gave life to our soul.
And as an expression of thankfulness we celebrate teacher’s day in India every year on September 5 as Teacher’s day and also wish our Guru’s on Guru Purnima to pay our tribute to the teachers for their incomparable deed of preaching and their devotion and hard work..

We all know the story of Eklavaya and how he sacrificed his right thumb as Guru dakshina to Guru Drona.
Such is the respect which we Indians give to our teachers.
I wonder if any where in world same sort of practice of celebrating teacher’s day is followed

What scares me the most is the thought that may be one day when my these two students are done with studies, well settled in their life they may forget me . ( the way my husband’s junior suddenly stopped wishing him on these days).

The gift or the card which they give is not important what is important is the love, respect they shower on me, what is important is the thought that even after so many years they still remember me and come to my house to wish me and also share their achievements in terms of marks, awards or any thing else/

That reminds me on 5th September I was also honoured by my club members for being a teacher ( so what I am not teaching any more these days)
At that time I just wondered why only those who are in teaching profession officially, are honoured. Why, all the mothers who are the first teacher for the child are not honoured or remembered on this day?
I even told my president that his team should be honouring all the mothers as teachers too.
It is we the mothers who introduce our children to their first alphabet, we are the ones who teach them all the facts of life, we teach them the values, we guide them at every stage. I think along with the professional teachers the mothers should also be specially wished on these days.

To celebrate teacher’s day or mother’s day or any other day is just a way of publicly acknowledging the contribution made by them in our life. and every year, come August and I start looking forward to 5th september and subsequent visit of my these two students.

THE MOST DREADFUL DEMON

While talking to ooglersgooglers today ,he mentioned that some celebrity has got cancer and my immediate reaction was Oh God!

Then he mentioned another one in the family who also has been detected with this killer disease. And my reaction again was, Baap re, very sad!, what will happen to the family? without even asking about the condition of the patient or the severity of the symptoms I just took for granted that the person will definetly succumb to death. ( as if others who are not suffering from cancer will never die)

Most of the people react in the similar way when they come to know of someone who is suffering from cancer. The word cancer has become synonymous with death sentence.

We all know that death is inevitable. Who so ever has come on this earth will go. No one is mortal.
Koi bhi amrut peekar nahi aaya hai that means all of us have to go.

Then why this phobia of this particular disease ( carcinophobia)?

There are so many other diseases which ultimately lead to the end of life. Then why do we dread this word cancer?
Is it because
1. This is incurable atleast after a certain stage.
2. Granted that earlier there was no cure for this disease and any one who fell prey to it be in the first stage or last stage will surely have a painful end.
3. Most of the times this disease is diagnosed at the last stage and then it is too late for any medicines to act?
4. The after effects of the chemotherapy are very painful. ( I read a novel by Danielle Steel where she has beautifully described the trauma a cancer patient undergoes and there she has portrayed the aftereffects of chemo)
5. That the end days are very painful for both , the patient and the persons who are looking after the patient.( my father went because of this only and although I did not witness his pain but have heard that it was intolerable and he used to suffer a lot)

Whatever may be the reason, but the mere thought of this word is shuddersome and distressing.

and the worst scene is when every one around the patient starts moving with a drawn face, gloomy expressions. even if the patient tries to put up a bold front and face the situation with utter courage the so called well wishers keep reminding him of his agonising state and forces him to become mentally weak by talking about his ill fate and bad luck.
they are the ones who by their expressions, attitude make the patient see his end approaching.
and this reminds me two famous dialouges of our movies
1. Jindagi lumbi nahi chodi honi chahiye
and
2. yeh mat socho ki jindagi mein kitne pal bache hai balki yeh socho ki har pal mein kitni jindagi hai(
dont think how much time you have left with rather think how you can live the leftover moments of your life)

Beggars can’t be choosers

Some incidences during last few days

1. Although I don’t advocate giving alms to beggars and I generally don’t give unless the person asking for is very old or handicapped. Other day while travelling near a traffic signal a very cute little girl knocked at my car window and in her very sweet voice asked me for money. I had a one Rupee coin in my hand which I gave her. To my surprise she refused to take that saying “ kum se kum 2 rupees to do. Mein ek rupee nahi leti”

2. While travelling in a local train I came across again a small child crying and begging. Can anyone believe what she was begging for not money but A Chocolate? I felt every emotional by seeing her. I offered her money but she wanted only chocolate reason being ,” paise to meri maa le legi, mereko to chocolate he khani hai”

3. One of my friends has a similar experience. She was travelling in an auto rickshaw and at a traffic signal some eunuchs asked her for money which she refused to give. Seeing this they started abusing her which made her very scared and she took out a 2 Rs coin from her purse. She was stunned when they threw the money on her face saying ,” Humko bhikari samjha hai. Kum se kum 5 rupees de”

4. In another incidence the person refused to take 2 rupees saying , “ 2 rupees mein kya aata hai, kum se kum ek pav vade ka paisa ya ek cup chai ka paise to do”


5. Yesterday a young lady stopped me on the road and asked me to give her money to buy ration for herfamily. I told her, “You come to my house and clean my utensils. I will give you money, or if you want I can keep you on to clean my utensils regularly”. She just refused saying, “ paise dena ho to do, kaam nahi maanga hai”. i told her that I am giving her respectable job, and she will not have to beg. but she replied, " jab aaram se mil jaata hai to kaam kyun karne ka"

The beggars infact have become choosy in what they want and how much they want.

Moreover they are happy to get this easy money which many so called kind hearted philanthropists give thinking that they are doing some noble deed, some punya ka kaam and they will surely get a place in swarg( heaven )for their kind deeds.

Some so called social workers and their organizations take pride in distributing food items, blankets, money etc to these people without realizing that they are in fact making them dependent, lethargic who think that it is very easy to squeeze money out of kind hearted people by playing on their emotions.

It is a very common sight to find people asking for money to perform last rites of their relatives who is lying dead on the roadside (really??) and if you offer them some material goods they just refuse. They want only money.

All these incidences prove one thing that the famous saying THAT BEGGARS CAN NOT BE CHOOSERS is false. Under the present circumstances it doesn’t hold true these days. BEGGERS ARE CHOOSERS AND THEY TAKE ONLY WHAT THEY WANT.

Dilemmas of parents and children ????????????????

I was watching a TV serial in which the stereotype scenes were being enacted.
Scene 1
Son wants to get married to a girl of his choice. Parents are against it.
Parents ,” Kya isiliye tereko itna bada kiya tha?,tujhse yeh umeed na thi.(. We didn’t raise you to expect such a behavior from you)
Scene 2
Son wants to go abroad for further studies / or live separately with his wife. Main thing is he is planning to set up his life away from his parents
This was enough to give all the meals in one stroke to my always starving mind
Lots of questions (as usual, I specialize in raising many doubts, confusing questions)

1. Do we, the parents, give birth to our children with this expectation that they will obey us all through their life, will listen to us?

2. Have we given birth to them to fulfill our unrealized dreams?

3. Do we want them to suppress their desires, dreams, and ambitions to be with us always?

4. Is it right on the part of the parents to demand that the child should marry according to their choice or is it right on the part of the child to ignore his parent’s wish and go ahead with his own feelings?

5. Does a relation which is only few months or few years old becomes so powerful that the child is ready to rebel against a relation which is more than 20 years old?

6. Is it right on the part of the father to expect his son to follow his (father’s well established profession? Did the father start his career with this aim that his offspring will take over from him or did he want to further his own career, ambitions and make a name for himself?

7. What are the duties and responsibilities of the children towards their parents? Although there are no set norms or rules for the children to follow but should they not think about their parents who are responsible for their very existence and who have sacrificed a lot to provide the best of comforts to the child? Should the children not see to it that their parents are properly looked after, loved, respected and taken care of the way the parents had done when the children were small?

8. Do the parents give birth to children and raise them with the expectation that the children will look after them in old age?

9. Don’t we , the parents, have children because we want to fulfill our parental instincts, because we want to shower our love and affection to our offspring, to provide the best of life to them, we want to give meaning to our life, to have something and someone to look forward to ( all selfish reasons on the part of the parents)? The children didn’t ask the parents for anything. They never said give birth to us? we do it because we want to do it.

10. And if it is so, then why do parents want children to sacrifice their life for parents. Are they asking for repayment of the sacrifices they made in bringing up their children?

11. But is it wrong on parent’s part to expect some consideration from children? Should the children not feel thankful to their parents for what they have become in life? Should they not feel any moral duty or obligation towards the parents?

12. When parents don't want to let go their independence, their authority to make decisions how can they not expect the same feelings from their children?


These are some of the doubts which may be there in the minds of both the sides

It is possible that so many people find my questions funny, irrelevant

but these are the harsh realities of life which everyone has to face and I suppose both the sides have to make some compromises, adjustments so that each emerges out satisfied without making undue demands on anyone or ignoring other.

I am waiting for some answers to my musings. hopefully someone will surely clear my doubts and put my mind to rest.

DESTINY - - - YES OR NO ?????????

I often wonder from where did the God get his super efficient, 24x7 working ,diligent, uncorrupt administrative staff ( definitely not from India )?

And also his computers must be having unbelievable configuration otherwise how it would be possible for him to have information about the whole universe of the past, present and also the future in his data base

The moment a life takes birth ,its each and every moment is monitored by him as he is the one who has got the ropes of each life in his hand. Everything that happens is as per his desire, his guidance and under his supervision.

I am sure even before the commencement of new life, God would be feeding all the success, failures, mood swings, personality traits, happenings, mis- happenings of the new life in his computers that is why we always say “it was destined” because everything is as per his wish and under his directions.

.I wonder how he manages to plan the whole cycle of the new life in such a meticulous manner. There is no scope for any breakdown or failures in his system.

There are many who don’t believe in destiny. They say there is nothing as destiny. every thing is in our own hand and they believe that by hard work we can change our destiny

But is it not possible that the changing of destiny was also predecided by the God? Or hard work done by us is also predetermined by him. Because he wants us to toil the soil, he wants some people to work day in day out and so they do it.

Is it not possible because we are destined to succeed that is why we work hard and aim towards success?
Whereas ,for some he has other plans that is why they are not hardworking or particular about certain things in the life.

Just for an example a student flunks in the exams. And he is condemned for his failure because of not studying. Is it possible that because it was destined that he will fail that is why he didn’t study?
Is it not possible that when God wants something to happen then he only manipulates the circumstances in such a way that everything becomes conducive for the happening of that particular event and vice versa?

If two persons are destined to meet, then the situations will automatically take twists and turns to see that the two persons unite. otherwise come what may they will not cross ways.

I am a strong believer of destiny and I may be wrong in my thinking. There will be many who will not subscribe to my thinking and they will have their own point of view. I am open to any reasoning and also have no reservations to change by way of thinking provided the arguments against destiny are strong enough and convincing.

And if I do change my thinking then I would say it was destined that I will be changing my views. ;-)

I AM OK, YOU ARE OK BUT WE ARE NOT OK

Few days back I read a novel where the husband and wife separates after 2-3 years of marriage. So before leaving they divide the things bought by them. As the husband had paid for the bed and mattress minus the pillows, the TV, the music system minus the high power speakers he took all of them whereas the wife was left with the pillows, speakers and TV trolley as she had paid for it

Then the other day I was talking to a young working couple. They described their house purchases to me. “Aunty I bought this and this and aunty other things he bought”.
Surprised at the way they were describing their shopping I asked them what did they mean by I bought or he bought.
Prompt came the reply, “for half the things I paid and rest he paid. Look aunty, suppose things don’t work out between us in future and we decide to separate then we don’t want to fight over petty issues over physical possession. That is why everything is divided equally between us. Household expenditure, shopping, outings etc etc

I was shocked here was a newly married couple just on the verge of starting their new life and they were already planning for separation. What happened to lifelong commitments, marriage vows, faith and confidence in each other? Have these values become thing of past or only to be read in the books?

No doubt what they were thinking was very practical and realistic. After all both of them are financially independent, educated, progressive young people belonging to this modern era and they have equal rights over the way they spend their money and if things really go out of hand and they are not able to live together then no one should face financial loss or be in a vulnerable position BUT

Aren’t they starting their life on shaky grounds, on doubts, with preset apprehensions about the permanency of the relation,? Any thing started with negativism will surely bring about more negativity in the relation. They are already preparing themselves for separation.

That means no thought is given by them on concepts like understanding, endurance, adjustments. It sounds more like a contract to me. If things work out we will remain together else TATA BYE BYE
A little argument, a little difference of opinion and they just go their own ways.

What happened to feeling of US. It is always you and me.

Isn’t marriage supposed to be union of two persons, two families from two different cultural values, backgrounds who try to come together as one being?

By giving too much emphasis to one’s own individuality, independence they are deviating from the basic foundation of married life which rests on trust, belongingness, feeling of togetherness, feeling of being WE.

I agree that by maintaining separate financial accounts, each one is free to spend as one wish and don’t have to account to other person for the expenses. Especially in Indian society many a times when the girl wants to do something for her family, there are objections from the boy or his family. This way she can support her family or gift them without facing the wrath of the inlaws.

The young couples practice these thoughts not only in financial matters but also at each step of their married life. My relatives your relatives, my dreams your dreams, my life your life and so forth. Till the realization of being as one unit, as being We or Us sinks in them the marriage will remain on rocky grounds.

I remember there was a dialogue in old hindi movie Kora Kaagaz, where after a long separation due to lots of misunderstandings when the couple meet suddenly , the wife asked, “was it was only my mistake “ and the husband replied, “ No, some of it was yours, some of it was mine and some of it was ours”

I am neither running a moral brigade nor am I in a position to pass value judgement on any body’s behavior ( after all we live in a democratic society) and every one has a right to lead his life as he wants.

But these were some of my doubts may be from a mother’s point of view or may be from a different generation (How I hate to be called as old fashioned or from different generation) but I just can’t help it. I am unable to adhere to these values, philosophy and thinking of individualism.

I strongly advocate that one should maintain one’s individuality, one’s privacy but not to such an extent as to jeopardize the institution of marriage whose basis is togetherness.