Sunday, September 27, 2009
Yesterday’s morning papers screamed Father locks 21 year old daughter in a room because she got married to a boy of different religion against father’s wishes. And the father filed a case against the boy.
Also met the son of a family acquaintance. He was upset because his parents had severed all ties with him because he had got married to a girl not from their caste and the father took it as a blow to his ego and a slap on his reputation.
All these similar incidences prove one thing, if the children don’t bow down to the wishes of father or parents with regard to their marriage, then the parents have the right to disown their children. as if the children are some commodity which can be owned or thrown away if doesn’t come to the expectations.
I just don’t understand that when the parents who live for their children, whose life revolves around their children, who are ready to do any thing to see a smile on their faces, who don’t think about their own personal comforts or discomforts but want to give the best of every thing to them even if it is beyond their capacity, suddenly change their tunes and becomes the villain in the life of their own children just because the children wants to spend the life with someone of their choice.
Does the family name, personal ego, IZZAT, society’s opinion takes precedence over the happiness and wishes of the children?
I don’t understand how choosing a life partner of one’s own choice spoils the reputation of family that too in today’s scenario?
How can parents impart such severe punishment to their children just because they didn’t listen to them? When the children are young, they commit so many mistakes ( although I don’t consider marrying outside the community as a mistake) the parents let go and try to ignore most of their mistakes or the parents try to fulfill all the possible desires of the children and give in to their children’s desires then why so much objection over the choice of life partner?
Why do parents doubt the judgement of their children when it comes to the matter of their marriage? If they think that the children are not mature enough to take the right decisions regarding their marriage then how can they think that the children are ready for marriage or shoulder the responsibility of matrimonial life?
Do the parents think that they are the better judge of what is good for their children? Do they think that the life partner chosen by them will be the ideal for their offspring? If so then why do so many arranged marriages also fail?
Another thing which surprises me is that the parents who literally throw their children out of their house or life, stop communicating with them , over a period of time mellows down and reconcile with the children.
Many a times I have seen after the birth of the grand child , or seeing the happiness of the couple the anger of parents specially the father cools down and then he starts sending feelers to the estranged children and then the things are back to normal ---- a happy family life.
I am sure it is the desire and the grandfatherly emotions along with the love for the own flesh and blood that makes the father let their feelings become more important than their egos and finally accept the new relation.
If the parents punish the children for taking the decision regarding their life on their own, won’t the children feel insecure ? will they ever gain the confidence to take decisions in their life independently.
Parents want children to become independent, take their own decisions, become responsible, then why do they discourage them and raise obstacles when they want to take the most important step in their life?
If parents have such an adamant attitude towards their children, then who will help the children overcome the teething problems of the new life? To whom the children will turn to in times of distress?
And God forbids if something goes wrong with the new relation then where will the children go for help and support? Will they feel comfortable to approach their parents to sort out their problems and help them find a way?
And when most of the time parents accept the new member in their family then why not give in gracefully in the initial stages and respect the decisions taken by the children. I am sure it will save much of heart breaks, sufferings and ill feelings towards each other.
But Yes, if the parents have some objections towards such issues then they should at least make the children understand their apprehensions, their doubts, their fears and the risk involved I suppose more than the caste, religion issues, what is more important is the economic parity, education, family background .
I have not heard of any case where the parents have not succumbed to the pressures of their inner self , their love for the children and have welcomed the children with their new relationships in their arms.
Then there are parents who inspite of knowing that the children are taking some wrong steps in their life, and who will not listen to their advice, still try to ignore and overlook the faults of their children.
After all BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER. We all know it.
Monday, September 21, 2009
I am just back from a flying visit to my mother’s place
I am just back from a flying visit to my mother’s place
Although the trip was only for a very short period but it gave me insight into my role as a daughter and also as a mother. And I realized one thing i.e. a mother is a mother whatever her age may be. Whether she is 75 years old or 50 years old or 25 years, the basic traits of a mother never changes.
She is always loving, forgiving, caring, over indulgent, over protective, over anxious and she overlooks and forgets all her physical sicknesses, physical discomforts when she wants to do something for her child. She goes out of her way to give happiness to her child and derives incomparable pleasure in doing petty things for them.
I realized so many things about myself which earlier I used to take for granted .also I got a chance to analyze my past and present and visualize my future
I also saw my mirror image in my mother
This time I tried to put my self in her shoes and then only could I understand her anxieties and her reaction to many situations in the past and also in the present.
In my young days when I was just a daughter I used to get irritated so many times whenever my mother used to advise me on certain issues or correct me. During those days I used to have only one answer,” mummy please let me take my own decisions, I have grown up,. I never for a second gave it a thought that how my mother must have felt when I used to snub her like this
But now when the roles have reversed, now that I have become a mother and I do the same things and when my children reply in the same manner I feel insulted or left out.
Most of the times I forgive the mistakes of my children, I overlook their indifference towards me and I always justify this by saying after all I am a mother , how can I carry any grudge against my own child, how can I be angry with them. But then after meeting my mother or talking to other mothers I have realized that I am not doing any thing great. All mothers are the same. Inspite of me not liking some of her thinking or her beliefs and my telling her so , she forgives me and my insolence. Don’t I do the same with my children?
My behavior towards my children is a reflection of my mother’s behavior towards me.
And of course my children’s behavior is a mirror image of mine towards my mother.
When I pester my children for eating or I want to know little tits bits about their life, at times they get irritated and find my attitude as an intrusion in their privacy. But don’t I feel the same when my mother does the same thing.
It is truly history repeating itself.
I always laugh at my mother when she gets excited over my visit to her and she starts asking me what I would like to eat and she goes out of her way to make my favourite dishes, but then don’t I behave in the same way when Neha comes to
The pampering which my mother or father gave me the is similar to what I shower on my children and most of the time the reaction of my children is the same as that of mine when I was just a child.
There is a saying in Hindi which goes “JAAKI NA PHATI BIWAI VA KYA JAANE PIR PARAYI” ( literal meaning of this saying is till you get pain in the cracks of your heels you will not understand what other person is feeling) till you experience the same pain; you will not realize what the other person is feeling.
Until or unless we put ourselves in the shoes of others we will not realize what he is undergoing.
One can understand the feelings of a mother or a parent one only when he or she becomes one.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Gurur brahmaa gurur vishnuh , gurur devo maheshvarah, gurur saakshaat parabrahma tasmai shree gurave namah.
We all know in India teachers have always been treated at par with Brahma, the supreme power and teaching profession has always been considered one of the noblest professions.
The teachers in India are very lucky. They are honoured by their students, twice in a year, one on 5th September (teachers day) and then on Guru Purnima too .
Yesterday a very old student of mine (I used to take tuition once upon a time) stopped me on the road and said, “Teacher belated happy teacher’s day. I m sorry I could not come on that day to wish you.”
I cannot explain the flow of emotions I had at that moment. I had taught her and her younger brother during their primary school days which was about 10 years back. That day and till today both of them never forget to come to my place on 5th September with a teachers day card and a gift..
My brief fling with teaching has given me a special high, an unique satisfaction, a feeling of being worthwhile, which I don’t think any thing else can give me.
I don’t think I was a very good teacher. ( they still remember how I used to punish them for not doing the home work and thinking of that now makes me feel ashamed of myself , how could I be so strict with them) but inspite of this both the brother and sister regularly keep me updated with the progress they are making. And visit me thrice a year for sure, On Id day( with sewaiyan), teacher’s day and on rakhi as the sister always ties rakhi to my son (although they are muslims)
Neha , my daughter still wishes her two favorite teachers from her school days even now.( but I think she forgot this time as till now she hasn’t mentioned any thing about it) she not only wished them from even from Boston but I remember she even wished her NEU professors on this day and explained to them the importance of this day.
One of my husband’s juniors (advocates) used to wish him on Guru Purnima and even after leaving his job she continued wishing him for quite some time but then she suddenly stopped wishing
This year also his rest of the juniors gave him a bouquet and a gift on this day. Probably seeing this he felt very emotional and he also sent a bouquet to his senior under whose guidance he had learnt the basics of his legal practice.
What I am trying to say is that in India Teachers are given high respect and value ,may be because they enlighten us with profound knowledge and power . While parents gave life to our body teachers gave life to our soul.
And as an expression of thankfulness we celebrate teacher’s day in India every year on September 5 as Teacher’s day and also wish our Guru’s on Guru Purnima to pay our tribute to the teachers for their incomparable deed of preaching and their devotion and hard work..
We all know the story of Eklavaya and how he sacrificed his right thumb as Guru dakshina to Guru Drona.
Such is the respect which we Indians give to our teachers.
I wonder if any where in world same sort of practice of celebrating teacher’s day is followed
What scares me the most is the thought that may be one day when my these two students are done with studies, well settled in their life they may forget me . ( the way my husband’s junior suddenly stopped wishing him on these days).
The gift or the card which they give is not important what is important is the love, respect they shower on me, what is important is the thought that even after so many years they still remember me and come to my house to wish me and also share their achievements in terms of marks, awards or any thing else/
That reminds me on 5th September I was also honoured by my club members for being a teacher ( so what I am not teaching any more these days)
At that time I just wondered why only those who are in teaching profession officially, are honoured. Why, all the mothers who are the first teacher for the child are not honoured or remembered on this day?
I even told my president that his team should be honouring all the mothers as teachers too.
It is we the mothers who introduce our children to their first alphabet, we are the ones who teach them all the facts of life, we teach them the values, we guide them at every stage. I think along with the professional teachers the mothers should also be specially wished on these days.
To celebrate teacher’s day or mother’s day or any other day is just a way of publicly acknowledging the contribution made by them in our life. and every year, come August and I start looking forward to 5th september and subsequent visit of my these two students.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Then he mentioned another one in the family who also has been detected with this killer disease. And my reaction again was, Baap re, very sad!, what will happen to the family? without even asking about the condition of the patient or the severity of the symptoms I just took for granted that the person will definetly succumb to death. ( as if others who are not suffering from cancer will never die)
Most of the people react in the similar way when they come to know of someone who is suffering from cancer. The word cancer has become synonymous with death sentence.
We all know that death is inevitable. Who so ever has come on this earth will go. No one is mortal.
Koi bhi amrut peekar nahi aaya hai that means all of us have to go.
Then why this phobia of this particular disease ( carcinophobia)?
There are so many other diseases which ultimately lead to the end of life. Then why do we dread this word cancer?
Is it because
1. This is incurable atleast after a certain stage.
2. Granted that earlier there was no cure for this disease and any one who fell prey to it be in the first stage or last stage will surely have a painful end.
3. Most of the times this disease is diagnosed at the last stage and then it is too late for any medicines to act?
4. The after effects of the chemotherapy are very painful. ( I read a novel by Danielle Steel where she has beautifully described the trauma a cancer patient undergoes and there she has portrayed the aftereffects of chemo)
5. That the end days are very painful for both , the patient and the persons who are looking after the patient.( my father went because of this only and although I did not witness his pain but have heard that it was intolerable and he used to suffer a lot)
Whatever may be the reason, but the mere thought of this word is shuddersome and distressing.
and the worst scene is when every one around the patient starts moving with a drawn face, gloomy expressions. even if the patient tries to put up a bold front and face the situation with utter courage the so called well wishers keep reminding him of his agonising state and forces him to become mentally weak by talking about his ill fate and bad luck.
they are the ones who by their expressions, attitude make the patient see his end approaching.
and this reminds me two famous dialouges of our movies
1. Jindagi lumbi nahi chodi honi chahiye
2. yeh mat socho ki jindagi mein kitne pal bache hai balki yeh socho ki har pal mein kitni jindagi hai(
dont think how much time you have left with rather think how you can live the leftover moments of your life)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
1. Although I don’t advocate giving alms to beggars and I generally don’t give unless the person asking for is very old or handicapped. Other day while travelling near a traffic signal a very cute little girl knocked at my car window and in her very sweet voice asked me for money. I had a one Rupee coin in my hand which I gave her. To my surprise she refused to take that saying “ kum se kum 2 rupees to do. Mein ek rupee nahi leti”
2. While travelling in a local train I came across again a small child crying and begging. Can anyone believe what she was begging for not money but A Chocolate? I felt every emotional by seeing her. I offered her money but she wanted only chocolate reason being ,” paise to meri maa le legi, mereko to chocolate he khani hai”
3. One of my friends has a similar experience. She was travelling in an auto rickshaw and at a traffic signal some eunuchs asked her for money which she refused to give. Seeing this they started abusing her which made her very scared and she took out a 2 Rs coin from her purse. She was stunned when they threw the money on her face saying ,” Humko bhikari samjha hai. Kum se kum 5 rupees de”
4. In another incidence the person refused to take 2 rupees saying , “ 2 rupees mein kya aata hai, kum se kum ek pav vade ka paisa ya ek cup chai ka paise to do”
5. Yesterday a young lady stopped me on the road and asked me to give her money to buy ration for herfamily. I told her, “You come to my house and clean my utensils. I will give you money, or if you want I can keep you on to clean my utensils regularly”. She just refused saying, “ paise dena ho to do, kaam nahi maanga hai”. i told her that I am giving her respectable job, and she will not have to beg. but she replied, " jab aaram se mil jaata hai to kaam kyun karne ka"
The beggars infact have become choosy in what they want and how much they want.
Moreover they are happy to get this easy money which many so called kind hearted philanthropists give thinking that they are doing some noble deed, some punya ka kaam and they will surely get a place in swarg( heaven )for their kind deeds.
Some so called social workers and their organizations take pride in distributing food items, blankets, money etc to these people without realizing that they are in fact making them dependent, lethargic who think that it is very easy to squeeze money out of kind hearted people by playing on their emotions.
It is a very common sight to find people asking for money to perform last rites of their relatives who is lying dead on the roadside (really??) and if you offer them some material goods they just refuse. They want only money.
All these incidences prove one thing that the famous saying THAT BEGGARS CAN NOT BE CHOOSERS is false. Under the present circumstances it doesn’t hold true these days. BEGGERS ARE CHOOSERS AND THEY TAKE ONLY WHAT THEY WANT.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Son wants to get married to a girl of his choice. Parents are against it.
Parents ,” Kya isiliye tereko itna bada kiya tha?,tujhse yeh umeed na thi.(. We didn’t raise you to expect such a behavior from you)
Son wants to go abroad for further studies / or live separately with his wife. Main thing is he is planning to set up his life away from his parents
This was enough to give all the meals in one stroke to my always starving mind
Lots of questions (as usual, I specialize in raising many doubts, confusing questions)
1. Do we, the parents, give birth to our children with this expectation that they will obey us all through their life, will listen to us?
2. Have we given birth to them to fulfill our unrealized dreams?
3. Do we want them to suppress their desires, dreams, and ambitions to be with us always?
4. Is it right on the part of the parents to demand that the child should marry according to their choice or is it right on the part of the child to ignore his parent’s wish and go ahead with his own feelings?
5. Does a relation which is only few months or few years old becomes so powerful that the child is ready to rebel against a relation which is more than 20 years old?
6. Is it right on the part of the father to expect his son to follow his (father’s well established profession? Did the father start his career with this aim that his offspring will take over from him or did he want to further his own career, ambitions and make a name for himself?
7. What are the duties and responsibilities of the children towards their parents? Although there are no set norms or rules for the children to follow but should they not think about their parents who are responsible for their very existence and who have sacrificed a lot to provide the best of comforts to the child? Should the children not see to it that their parents are properly looked after, loved, respected and taken care of the way the parents had done when the children were small?
8. Do the parents give birth to children and raise them with the expectation that the children will look after them in old age?
9. Don’t we , the parents, have children because we want to fulfill our parental instincts, because we want to shower our love and affection to our offspring, to provide the best of life to them, we want to give meaning to our life, to have something and someone to look forward to ( all selfish reasons on the part of the parents)? The children didn’t ask the parents for anything. They never said give birth to us? we do it because we want to do it.
10. And if it is so, then why do parents want children to sacrifice their life for parents. Are they asking for repayment of the sacrifices they made in bringing up their children?
11. But is it wrong on parent’s part to expect some consideration from children? Should the children not feel thankful to their parents for what they have become in life? Should they not feel any moral duty or obligation towards the parents?
12. When parents don't want to let go their independence, their authority to make decisions how can they not expect the same feelings from their children?
These are some of the doubts which may be there in the minds of both the sides
It is possible that so many people find my questions funny, irrelevant
but these are the harsh realities of life which everyone has to face and I suppose both the sides have to make some compromises, adjustments so that each emerges out satisfied without making undue demands on anyone or ignoring other.
I am waiting for some answers to my musings. hopefully someone will surely clear my doubts and put my mind to rest.