Sunday, September 27, 2009


Just now was watching K3G on TV. Amitabh, the father asks SRK ( son) to leave the house because he got married against the father’s wishes.

Yesterday’s morning papers screamed Father locks 21 year old daughter in a room because she got married to a boy of different religion against father’s wishes. And the father filed a case against the boy.

Also met the son of a family acquaintance. He was upset because his parents had severed all ties with him because he had got married to a girl not from their caste and the father took it as a blow to his ego and a slap on his reputation.

All these similar incidences prove one thing, if the children don’t bow down to the wishes of father or parents with regard to their marriage, then the parents have the right to disown their children. as if the children are some commodity which can be owned or thrown away if doesn’t come to the expectations.

I just don’t understand that when the parents who live for their children, whose life revolves around their children, who are ready to do any thing to see a smile on their faces, who don’t think about their own personal comforts or discomforts but want to give the best of every thing to them even if it is beyond their capacity, suddenly change their tunes and becomes the villain in the life of their own children just because the children wants to spend the life with someone of their choice.

Does the family name, personal ego, IZZAT, society’s opinion takes precedence over the happiness and wishes of the children?

I don’t understand how choosing a life partner of one’s own choice spoils the reputation of family that too in today’s scenario?
How can parents impart such severe punishment to their children just because they didn’t listen to them? When the children are young, they commit so many mistakes ( although I don’t consider marrying outside the community as a mistake) the parents let go and try to ignore most of their mistakes or the parents try to fulfill all the possible desires of the children and give in to their children’s desires then why so much objection over the choice of life partner?

Why do parents doubt the judgement of their children when it comes to the matter of their marriage? If they think that the children are not mature enough to take the right decisions regarding their marriage then how can they think that the children are ready for marriage or shoulder the responsibility of matrimonial life?

Do the parents think that they are the better judge of what is good for their children? Do they think that the life partner chosen by them will be the ideal for their offspring? If so then why do so many arranged marriages also fail?

Another thing which surprises me is that the parents who literally throw their children out of their house or life, stop communicating with them , over a period of time mellows down and reconcile with the children.

Many a times I have seen after the birth of the grand child , or seeing the happiness of the couple the anger of parents specially the father cools down and then he starts sending feelers to the estranged children and then the things are back to normal ---- a happy family life.

I am sure it is the desire and the grandfatherly emotions along with the love for the own flesh and blood that makes the father let their feelings become more important than their egos and finally accept the new relation.

If the parents punish the children for taking the decision regarding their life on their own, won’t the children feel insecure ? will they ever gain the confidence to take decisions in their life independently.

Parents want children to become independent, take their own decisions, become responsible, then why do they discourage them and raise obstacles when they want to take the most important step in their life?

If parents have such an adamant attitude towards their children, then who will help the children overcome the teething problems of the new life? To whom the children will turn to in times of distress?

And God forbids if something goes wrong with the new relation then where will the children go for help and support? Will they feel comfortable to approach their parents to sort out their problems and help them find a way?

And when most of the time parents accept the new member in their family then why not give in gracefully in the initial stages and respect the decisions taken by the children. I am sure it will save much of heart breaks, sufferings and ill feelings towards each other.

But Yes, if the parents have some objections towards such issues then they should at least make the children understand their apprehensions, their doubts, their fears and the risk involved I suppose more than the caste, religion issues, what is more important is the economic parity, education, family background .

I have not heard of any case where the parents have not succumbed to the pressures of their inner self , their love for the children and have welcomed the children with their new relationships in their arms.

Then there are parents who inspite of knowing that the children are taking some wrong steps in their life, and who will not listen to their advice, still try to ignore and overlook the faults of their children.

After all BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER. We all know it.


AJ said...

I have no words to say but to suffer the insanity and immaturity of such parents...Anyways....I hope this is read by some if not all, such parents and they realize that their kids have grown and have brains to take a wise decision...May God bless boys n girls....or if parents always have to be so, I should pray to God that he never let any boy and girl fall in love...

AJ said...

On a second note, if for parents love and getting into any affair is wrong...they should not expect their daughters or sons fall in love with their partners either....

indianhomemaker said...

as if the children are some commodity which can be owned or thrown away if doesn’t come to the expectations.

I just don’t understand that when the parents who live for their children, whose life revolves around their children, ... becomes the villain in the life of their own children just because the children wants to spend the life with someone of their choice.

Anju I think the kind of parents whose life truly revolves around their children will never disown their children. A lot of parents in India treat their children like commodities from the beginning, the kind who will choose an unsuitable match for dowry, can't possibly love their children?? Even though those who ask a child to go back to her in laws even if the situation is unbearable can be loving but weak...
I also find it impossible to understand such parents! Maybe they believe they are being disrespected and have huge egos? In a son's case the financial loss could be the reason, and in a daughter's case, family honor...?? I agree this honor business is a very flexible tool, can be used randomly anywhere...

Love this post. I wonder why don't we read such articles in magazines and Newspapers?

Shruti SriHarsha said...

Hey Anju, how u doing...
after reading this post, I must say how lucky myself and my sister are...Both of us chose our life parter and it was beautifully welcomed by my parents...they are from Orthodox family, with all the relatives on their head, but still they gave priority to our happiness...Thanks to them!!!

BK Chowla said...

It is very unfortunate that such incidents still place in India.But,may be,you analyse you will realise that the children under question have not been independent.
So it is very essential for children to get education so that they can lead a complete and independent life...else they are dependent on their parents who naturally would like their decisions to prevail.It is natural.
Let us educate our children well so that they can take and stock to their decisions.

The Panorama said...

I think many parents are selfish. To them children are an investment not individuals of their own rights. They treat them as their property.
However, it has also to do with our social structure of the society where the old parents have no guarantees of who will look after them when they are unable to look after themselves. Children are their only social security that is why maybe they react like that.
However I feel it is also the other way around. Children can also be very selfish and just think of themselves.
I have myself seen how daughter in laws ill treat their old father and mother in laws, shouting at them and not giving them food.
Children can also be very cruel and ungrateful.

Chandni.. said...

Thankfully, there is nothing of this sort in my family. My parents have given me the permission that they can get me married to the person whom I want to get married to. However, the situation isnt very flowery. They have a condition. To be more precise, the conditions on the paternal side are different from the conditions on the maternal side. There comes in the conflict. My father's family do not want me to get married to a punjabi (no offence to any punjabi reading this)... And the folks on my mom's side would get me married to anybody provided he has studied from one of the best college of the world and has a huge house... Fate played games and I feel in love with a punjabi who was in my college... I dont know if I should say fortunately or unfortunately, the relationship ended. Somewhere deep inside I have this feeling that one of the sides would be getting hurt eventualy... Or else I would suffer to the core... :(

Durga Nandan said...

The parents obviously fear their kids would stop loving them if they marry someone they choose.
Obviously after some time, even in an arranged marriage, if they have the same wavelength, life starts revolving more around your spouse.

Even now, marrying someone you love, outside cast and religion, is considered revolutionary. Pity on them. :)

Anonymous said...

A similar post recently on the blogger.Being an Indian and getting married

Solilo said...

Children are still a commodity to many parents. They are also symbol of prestige for others. There is constant reminder of how they were brought up so now time to reap the returns, to keep their prestige, to follow and respect blindly.

What some parents forget is that tomorrow these children too are adults like them and they too will do the same things. So treat them as individuals.

Swatantra said...

When a relationship grew more the expectation from the relationship also grew strong...

Ooglers Googlers said...

Hypocritical nature of parents will lead to this situation.... cmmon parents, grow up for at least one are doing things that will take care of their life.. It's not about the IZZAT in the SAMAAJ or how good or bad you will look to yourself.. it's about what the kids want to do.

That's a different issue that if this relationship does not work out, then it's only kids to blame.

Arunima said...

some parents think that children are their investment who would be their support when they grow old. It is the mindset of the society too. Parents are under pressure from the society too.

Let me share how marriages are in Manipur. 99.9 percent of them are love marriages because our society is like that and therefore, there are very few divorces too. Half my classmates are married to other communities. often people laugh at you if you have not been able to find a partner for yourself when you are of age.

Gayathri said...

Well,i'm unsure what to say..many a times i ve felt marrying someone among the close friends,who we know and who knows us quite well is appreciable for we can be the way we are before them..but parents' concerns seem genuine too for the culture and tradition needs respect too..india still has the spiritual attraction from the rest of the globe becoz we still abide by our principles and tradition..why not find out someone who doesnt make us live a decadent life..?

Roshmi Sinha said...

A well written post...

But, once parents or relatives 'disown' their own over issues like this... and later even if they 'reconcile', it is not and would not be the same again. There will always be a sense of hurt or mistrust... on the part of the children and/or the 'new member'... and his/her family.

People who have themselves married someone they wanted to... or did not go in for an 'arranged match'... too behave in pretty much the same way... when it comes to their children's choice(s). Thats the strangest part!

P.S. Shubho Bijoya!

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