Wednesday, May 13, 2009


I am very disturbed today. Not because of any tensions because of my children or husband but something which I came across

While I was sitting in my husband’s office, two very pretty young girls came to meet him in his office.I was just wondering what problems they may be having and then one of them said that she wanted divorce from her husband. And they were married not for more than few months and they had a love marriage. The other one was already a client of my husband who was visiting him regularly to expedite her divorce proceedings. And even she had a love marriage.

This perturbed me a lot. I just wondered what had gone wrong in their marriage. They had selected their life partners themselves (they cannot blame arranged marriage or lack of communication with their partners for that). They knew their partners very well. They must have discussed all the possible issues related to married life before hand also (I suppose so, as I don’t know what actually is discussed when two people go on dates, after all I had an arranged marriage and hardly any communication with him before marriage!)

No, I am not against Love marriage. Please don’t take me wrong. I am very much in favour of it as the couple gets many opportunities to know each other’s background, family, to know each other’s views, thoughts, feelings, to analyse each other’s attitudes etc.

Then what went wrong? Why have they decided to drift apart and that too within a year of marriage (They must have moved mountains to convince their parents regarding this match)?
Who was at fault? What was the bone of contention between the newlywed couple? Were they not able to sort out their differences on their own, or didn’t they have family members to advice and guide them to face the initial challenges of marriage.

This is true when two persons with two different personalities, different culture, background, different values decide to live together, there is bound to be clashes in their thoughts, egos. And I am sure all the couples enter into this arena of matrimonial life fully knowing this.

Specially, today when both the parties are educated, more knowledgeable and up with moving times, they can never complain that they were not aware that there will be differences and they will have to adjust their life style according to each other.

Then, why? Only after few months of married life these people decided to separate.
Was their endurance at its low? Or they had tried but things had gone out of their hands, Or they were not ready to adjust to each other’s needs and desires? Or their own personal ego was much more important than the feeling of WE? Or they belonged to that set of people who equate marriage to one night stands only and who have the attitude “let us give a try, if we are compatible we will stay together otherwise we will leave each other”?

It is not that in the past, couples did not face these teething problems of marital life but then I suppose they showed more composure, more understanding towards each other and they were ready to adjust (granted more from the wife’s side as compared to husband’s) but they did manage to stay together and faced the initial hurdles of this so called lifelong commitment.

Another thing that disturbed me was to see the girl with her friend and not with some family members. Divorce is a big step. Was that girl taking that step on her own without consultation or support from her family? Because if the family knows about it then I don’t think that they will allow the girl to visit the advocate on her own and discuss such an important issue on her own.

I will advocate such cases where it becomes humanly impossible for both the partners to live together, to part ways and take their individual stand and lead their life as they want. I will also favour such couples where the partners are not able to satisfy the physical, financial as well as emotional needs of the other partner.

But at least give it a try. Don’t take impulsive step of separating. I have seen cases and of course read a lot that divorce leaves many scars within both the parties, it handicaps them in many ways and affects their future relations too.

I may be sounding old fashioned or many may put aside my post as something written by someone who doesn’t understand today’s generation BUT it is a fact that I am very disturbed by this new trend of divorce that too so early in the married life.



Zeba Talkhani said...

I found your blog through your daughter's blog and feel the need to address you as aunty!

You are not out dated. I am a college going girl and these statistics scare me. I am scared of arranged marriage and now love marriage as well. Nothing seems to work in this generation. I feel that the main reason for this is because the youth have become very impatient nowadays. There level of tolerance is very less. Most don't believe in compromising. Hence the problems. You are ofcourse very much in vogue as you have what many people desire!!

Milan said...

Anju masi, i agree. People need to learn to be a bit more tolerant. Marriage is a compromise and it takes a lot of hard work. It takes 2 to tango. So its important for both partners to be patient and understanding and to make the marriage work

Ms. Neha Gandhi said...

baby... u r definitely not out-dated...u r in vogue :)

but m sure after a hard-time of giving each other a would still have seemed impossible.

wonder what papa has to say...that u have written about his clients...
hahaha :)

AnjuGandhi said...

he will shout for two reasons (1) confidentiality of his profession ( 2) he is a cynic as far as human relations goes. He says he has seen so much in his profession that he doesnt beleive in any relation now.

mon espace said...

Ah marriage the subject of umpteen discussions b/w my mom n myself..I'd read about the startling statistic too, of young people seperating. I think it has to do a lot with
'low endurance'..i dont think people are ready to adjust the way their parents generations did. It could be coz they're finanically not dependent on their spouses, social pressures are less, and being a divorcee is not so taboo anymore..

I am open to any kind of marriage. I love 'bieng single & free' so much that commitment & marriage seems like they're mllions of light years away :P (altho my friends have begun getting married..brr!)

Thanks for stopping by my blog auntie ji! ;) Nice to have a 'older wiser and very much in vogue blog buddy' :) ...

Gayathri said...

This is a subject of discourse anywhere anytime,..arranged vs love marriage..

Well,i dont consider ur views outdated.not the least.coz,although i have nothing against love marriage,i dont support the ones where people are from entirely diff culture and tradition and decide to shove off the parents and relatives for each 80% of the cases,love marriage is out of a mere fascination,without proper understanding,without proper endurance for the spouse's shortcomings. plus,love marriage shuts out all the family support that an arranged marriage enjoys to sort out the obvious problems of a married life.without any help of a matured hand but the immatured or less matured peers,ppl of my generation jump to the next big step of divorce without giving it much of a thought..
also,the live-in relationships have reduced the sanctity of a marriage..

reasons apart,these are all the harsh reality..
anyway,nicely put.. :)

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